I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
