Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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