bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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