I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
