Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
