Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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