so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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