So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize