i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
