I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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