If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
