I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
