I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
