We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
