he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Oh god it's open bar.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize