You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
