Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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