she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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