Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
