Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
