1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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