So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just high enough for therapy.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
