i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
