I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
