upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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