I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
