After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
