okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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