i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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