I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
