Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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