apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
