i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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