I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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