apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
