Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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