The maid of honor just puked.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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