overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize