Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
don't judge my taste in strippers
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
