the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
