Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
