No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
