My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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