The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
