Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
