I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He shit in the fireplace
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
