I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Did I show you my penis last night?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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