I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
