I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
