well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
