I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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