shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
