the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
