Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
