I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
