Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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