I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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