At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
